he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
