as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
