She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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