she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
