I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
