I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
