So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
