dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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