One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
