it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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