Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
