ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
