I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
