I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
