if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
