I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
