look no pants
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
