My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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