The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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