I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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