Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
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Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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