I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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