i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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