my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
