she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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