Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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