If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
