my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
