she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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