I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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