It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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