he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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