She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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