a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
