just tell him i said nine months
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I cut my penus on the lid.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
