Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Randomize
