I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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