atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
