I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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