I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
