my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Girls should come with a carfax report
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
