I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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