that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
