Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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