Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
