I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
