I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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