Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
