member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
