He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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