Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
