After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
