Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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