I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
