Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
