Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
