I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
