Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
