lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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